I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
