i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
