I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize