i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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