It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
