we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
