I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
