apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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