its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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