Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
