I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
