they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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