He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
