Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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