just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize