i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
This couple is walking their pig around campus
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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