We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
