i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
