Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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