I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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