I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
