Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
