just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
