I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
