While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
