my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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