Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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