I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
