thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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