recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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