In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
