shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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