my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
