my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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