i think i have herpe
just one?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize