I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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