I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
