Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
