Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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