I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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