Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize