He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i drank out of a bidet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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