woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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