Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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