I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
