He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
