i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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