Four minutes until I can fart!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
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