Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
