she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
