just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
