I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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