Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
