Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
