So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize