Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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