my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
