my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
