I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it was like eating out sand paper
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize