We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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