Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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