do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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